MAKING EXCUSES AND DEALING
by Atheniandream
Summary: Letters, love and loss between Sam and Jack...


Title: MAKING UP EXCUSES AND DEALING  
Author: atheniandream/Jawbreakerchick/Paisleychick, my alter egos :)  
Email: atheniandream@aol.com  
Content Warnings: Angst, romance, Series  
Pairings: Sam/Jack  
Spoilers: 2001, 2010   
Season: future season  
Rating: Pg, some mild swearing, some sexual innuendo... :)  
Summary: Letters, love and loss between Sam and Jack...  
Author's notes: Sequel to GOING BACK ON CHOICES, after popular demand, don't' know if it's as good as the first, so  
pleassse tell me Feedback is nessesary for survival!!!! :)  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA,  
Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money  
exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property  
of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.  
  
  
MAKING UP EXCUSES AND DEALING  
  
Sometimes, you can sit and dream your life away. Easy enough to do when you have nothing to live for. But if you have nothing to  
live for, you tend to dream your life away. Most vicious circles tend to make you rigid and hardened to the world, but for a man who  
spent a great deal of his life already hardening to the rigors that controlled his being; and then for the woman he felt something for to  
pick him up, sleep with him, and then run away from him.......well, that kind of treatment causes emotional implosion. For Jack   
O'Neill, this was nothing out of the ordinary, but the pain? The pain was...still there...  
  
A natural serenity is seldom appreciated with any kind of over expressive intuition... But for Jack O'Neill this came second nature to  
him, as he sat on the dock of his 'pond,' the air soothing his conscience, and the sun bathing him in it's risen purity. It had been a  
long time since he'd known any different than to sit by his cabin day to day, waiting for the fish that never came; and in this he took  
great comfort.  
The sun had soon reached it's peak in the early morning, so stepping inside his cabin, he reached the front door, remembering the   
amount of mail which he'd noticed haphazardly piled in the corner of the porch. Sifting unconsciously through junk mail and   
advertisements, his hand came to a small envelope, by the looks of it hand-written. As he turned it over, opening it and pull out the  
piece of paper, his heart caught itself in anticipation:  
  
Jack,   
It's Danny,  
I know that of late it would be unwise to assume that you would talk to me over the phone,  
But I feel that there is something that you should know,  
I know that you haven't been dealing well lately, but I didn't want you to find out through someone else.  
It's about Sam, I don't know if she sent you an-  
  
From the letter, Jack immediately glanced at the next piece of mail, and having a slight inkling of what Daniel's next few words were,   
he discarded the piece of paper in his hands and took hold of the next envelope. It was smaller than Daniel's letter was, and slightly   
heavier, possibly made of card or parchment. He impatiently ripped open the envelope to find his future laid out for him.  
  
Jack O'Neill,  
Samantha Carter and Joseph Faxon   
Welcome you witness their joining in matrimony,   
At St John's Church, Washington D.C.  
On September 8th   
R.S.V.P  
Your presence would be missed if you could not attend.  
  
At that, any glimmer of hope, or hindsight died in him at that moment. If he was an emotional person he probably would have cried,   
but he wasn't, and instead he fell into the nearest chair, muscles tightening, teeth clenching, heart pounding, nothingness. His brain   
just didn't register anything, it couldn't. He'd just been faced with his worst fear, and couldn't cling on to any maybe's, ifs or   
somedays.  
Throughout the next few seconds, Jack tried to focus on the main 'up' as apposed to the 'down', despite the tensions between   
himself and Danny, he'd had the grace to at least alert Jack of the situation, even if Carter hadn't sent him an invitation, he would   
have known anyhow. It had been several months since they're meeting in D.C. He hadn't got past his stubbornness to see her   
about her fleeting absence and the leaving or the letter, and he supposed that she hadn't the courage to explain what she'd written   
on paper.  
At this recognition, Jack dropped the invitation and grabbed his car keys.  
Some truths refuse to be overlooked, heeding some kind revelation..........  
  
Beautiful days like this warrant some kind of attention; Sam thought as she entered her Garden, the sun was cool in the late evening,   
as became most evenings during the summer months, and of late she had taken to sitting out on her terrace, with a large sun hat,   
iced tea and a big book. Since she had been relieved of the previously hectic schedule that she endured for years at the SGC,   
she now had some time to enjoy her life, and the life around her.  
Joe was away securing a business deal; Sam had learnt to accept this, being that she had spent most of her young adult life away   
offworld, so when he got back she wasn't hard on him, remembering how it had been... how it had been...  
A loud bang at the door awoke Sam from her daze, and walking quickly through the house, the figure through the window fuelled   
her suspicions, of what emotion layer on the other side of the wooden frame.  
She opened it slowly, the breath in her chest halting, as her gaze widened...  
"Why are you doing this?" his tone was low and weary of her response, as he barged past her in the foyer.  
"Colonel?" Was it a question or a statement? "You shouldn't be here."  
"Why not! What?" his voice edged with painful memory "You fuck me, leave me, then send me an invitation to your wedding, and  
I'm not supposed to be here!" his eyes portrayed all the hurt he felt, so much so that she couldn't meet his gaze after the first time.  
"I told you in the lette-" He cut her off at her flippancy.  
"That 'note' was an excuse!" By then her heart had begun to beat faster, the adrenalin fuelled her side of the argument.   
"I told you how I felt, you know my situation, God," She attempted to walk further in to the house.   
"What MORE DO YOU WANT!?"   
He grabbed her wrist halting her to stop "YOU!" his voice quietened, as if it were an admission to him only.  
"I, I want you." His eyes searched hers desperately, suddenly they remembered:   
The force shield {Sir, just go!!!}, not leaving {No!}, admittance...   
Sam took a step back, as if the intensity of his gaze harm her physically, "Sir, just go." She whispered, barely noticeable had anyone   
else been in the room. But there wasn't. There never had been.  
He turned for the door, staring out of the house, then stopped abruptly and turned once more to face her. "Just tell me, if it's not the  
answer I want, I'll leave you alone, you can live your life, just tell. Me, do you love me?"  
No....A whisper escaped her mouth, beneath a watery gaze. "No. I don't..Just go..." Her eyes had completely welled up. A single  
tear escaped, sliding down, dragging his world and beliefs with it.  
He inhaled sharply, to quickly, causing him to screw an eye up in discomfort. "Goodbye Carter." And he left her.  
Good-bye Jack.........  
  
A day or two went by, time was now and forever meaningless in the world of Jack O'Neill, nothing had really changed, matters   
solidified maybe, but he was relatively back where he was....  
"Jack." Maybe not completely...   
"Carter?" His shock oddly amused her as she smiled crookedly walked further round the side of the cabin to the table he was   
sat at in the hazy sunshine. "What do you want Carter, cuz I got some things to-" He got up, as if to run away from her, most   
of their relationship had consisted of running...."I do." Her heart searched his face for some tell tale sign that he'd registered those   
words.  
"What?"  
She walked nearer to him, tentative, reassuring and slow. "I love you. I always have." he looked at her face. As sturdy as a rock.   
Her eyes fixed, not failing a glance.  
A sudden movement on both sides caused them to meet, the second meeting didn't fail the first, just as insistent, but this time,   
touches, kisses and caresses were met with the practised ease of soul mates; evidently they'd been here before.  
Arms tangled, entwined, and laced with one another as she pulled him nearer to her with his flannel shirt collar. He quickly discarded   
her coat and floral shirt onto the kitchen counter whilst making their way to the chosen destination. Nothing could, would or needed   
to be said, they'd either shouted said or reciprocated to another their thoughts and feelings, this was all that was left. The heated   
contact between two people, met with hurt, comfort and intense desire, like it had always been. Several hours later, Sam quietly   
walked out onto the balcony of the cabin one hand over her flannel covered hip and another in her hair, taking in the air around her.   
It was so fresh, so natural, it had been a while since she'd experienced this kind of feeling, although she wasn't sure from what, all   
she knew was that it felt so good. But could she tell him? She hadn't had a chance earlier to explain it all; they'd met so fast that her   
actions past then had began blurring in a hazy unawareness. But the truth hadn't surfaced. She could live a lie, could she? The real   
question was, which was the lie? Maybe she had been, but judging on the current emotions coursing her body, she had tell hi-  
Her mind was interrupted by a heated kiss to the back of her neck, sending a new kind of alert, which started her the nerves in her   
spine to dance sporadically once more. "You have issues with waking up with me don't you?" Jack quipped as he came to stand   
beside her, his arm taking refuge on the other hip.  
Ignoring his comment, she felt it was time to tell the truth. "It really is beautiful here."  
"So?" Jack was more preoccupied with his newly found hobby, namely her, as he ran a line of kisses down one side of her body.  
"Jack? We need to talk."  
"We are talking."  
"I'm serious Jack," she stopped him dead.  
"What?"  
"I love you," Yea." "But, I can't be with you." her reason resulted in cloudy vision once more, whilst Jack O'Neill's perfectly   
demolished emotional walls, fought desperately to create a guard line.  
"I don't understand?" His expression didn't easy her conscience into thinking that this was the right thing to do, as he slowly   
stepped away from her.   
"I can't be with you..."   
Once sharp inhalation was needed, along with the tone of disgust "Why?"  
"I, I'm think its-" he cut her off just short of her answer. "Why did you come? Why did come knowing what you were gonna say,   
what? Fancied like one more fuck to remember me by!" He spat back at her, his crudeness angering her. How could he put this   
down to sex, surely he didn't mean that? "You know it's not like that.!"  
"Oh isn't it." His shouting had diminished to a grumble. As he rubbed a hand over his face in defeat, leaning against the nearest   
solid thing he could find, hoping that that wouldn't' fail on him. Her eyes started to fail her, as she took in a deep breath, fearing   
that the following declaration maybe the last words between them.  
"I'm scared Jack, I'm scared.... that, if I look in your eyes, that they'll hold my heart forever, fixed. I'm afraid that if I love you,   
that I'll fall in back in love with Colonel O'Neill, Military leader, compassionate freedom fighter, and, that one day, I'll look back,   
and. I won't I know you anymore. Do you know that out of the years I've know you, we've never had a day of just Samantha   
Carter and Jack O'Neill. I don't know him, I know the man I worked with, and that? That it was scares me most of all, the   
possibility that, if I let myself love you, that I won't like the man I find, and that the man I thought you were, you're not, and   
I'm to scared to hurt a man I already know and care about, just to find out, and I'm sorry." Tears had continued to follow out   
of her, as if all the pent up anger, repressed emotion had spontaneously dispersed, leaving Samantha Carter raw, in hard-rooted guilt.   
For the past few minutes, Jack stood, frigid, to scared to move, to think anything at all. "But, I love you?" Whether is was a   
question or not was irrelevant, it was fact, and he begged her to say it back.  
She smiled shakily at his reply, finally meeting his darkened gaze, and in giving him one last glance, she oddly felt as if she'd   
fallen for him all over again. "I can keep my mouth from uttering those words, but can't keep my heart from wanting to hear them."   
He nodded in response, as if in a way he understood her. Maybe for once he did....  
  
"Will you be there?" She mumbled to him, as she, fully clothed joined him outside on the balcony.  
He looked at her, unsure of what his response was going to be. "I think we both know the answer to that," answering in both a   
painful and simplistic fashion, tinted with the slightest hint of Jack O'Neill charm. For that she was gracious, and knowing what the   
answer was going to be, she kissed him briefly on the cheek, letting her lips linger for a moment; less than he wanted but as much as   
she was willing to give.  
  
The 8th of September.  
The beauty of a wedding is the ability to share your love with another person, and have that love reciprocated, in the form of an   
exchange of, friendship devotion, and ownership to one another in front of others whom you hold dear......  
The bride and bridegroom gathered in the centre of the lavish Church, decorated with bouquets of dusky pink, lavender and lemon   
coloured flowers, giving the large domed main hall a picture-perfect elegance.  
Faces watched the couple as the vows between them solidified, "My the power invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and   
wife. You may kiss the bride." At that, the sound of violins burst into a powerful crescendo and the hall became filled with joyful   
applause, unaware of the figure, which had discreetly slipped into the back row.  
The Bride and bridegroom then continued to smile, and made there was up the aisle, smiling happily at each row of faces, suddenly,   
instinctively, Sam's face caught one of her guest to the right, his gaze locked her as she walked past him, and a pain shot to her chest   
and his appearance. He said he wouldn't come.....   
  
As the day moved into the reception, Sam had gathered he self in the warm and comfortable refuge of her friends.  
"You look so Beautiful Sam," Janet replied with a kiss on her cheek, followed by the congratulations of Daniel Teal'c and even   
General Hammond.  
"You really do look fantastic, Sam." Daniel agreed. Sam said nothing, and instead blushed, he knew in his own little way, that she   
was gracious of his compliment.  
Teal'c however, thought best to enlighten her of the situation where others had failed.  
"Have you met with Colonel O'Neill yet Major Carter?" Sam smiled again, she liked the way he called her 'Major Carter' it was like   
a nickname or special name just between Teal'c and her. "No Teal'c, I uh, haven't seen him yet."  
I felt as if he, Jack, knew inside, as his tall figure walked into the reception foyer. Dressed, in dress trousers, a long coat and sweater,   
as he came towards her, she left her friends, and met him in the middle of the floor.  
"Carter." After all that had happened, them, the wedding, he still called her Carter. It wasn't even her name anymore, but they both   
knew how tempting it was to slip into old habit. "Colonel. I'm glad you came, it uh, it wouldn't have been the same without you."   
The uncomfortable posture between them started to make her more anxious, as well as his strong attempt not meet her gaze, until he   
spoke. "Yea well ya know, I wasn't busy today so." She laughed bitterly, trust Jack O'Neill to use humour in any kind of situation.   
If he can, then so can I...  
"Like the dress? I know it's not my usual trademark, but Janet wouldn't let me get married in Flannel."   
Janet...at least after all that had happened, Sam had the respect to not to say 'Joe'; it was a relief to say much. Then he finally met her   
gaze, taking in her long elegant white satin gown and the roses woven into her neat short hair.   
"Uh, you look....beautiful, very beautiful." She'd heard that statement all day, but when it came from Jack O'Neill, she knew it must   
have been true; so as they stood, Sam playing with her hands; Jack stuffing his hands in his pockets, and both concentrating on the   
floor. They'd said all they could, shouted, loved, screamed, dreamed about, ached for, and needed. But there was the one thing she   
hadn't said, all that should and could be said. The eyes became glazed and watery at the recognition, the crystal blue hazed slightly,   
at the sight of his own, dark and unforgiving. Her eyes had told what she wanted to say minutes ago.  
"Thank you"  
Not gesture was made. No kiss, hug, nothing. He'd already left.   
  
The first is Revelation, then denial, then admittance, and finally acceptance......   
Love and loss are very similar, they can make or break a person, and sometimes, they can be felt at once....  
  
Feedback, you never know what night happen next???? :) :) :) 


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